A book that I got told me to go through and write about the years in my life, so here goes.
In January of 1992, my parents split. This was very traumatic for me as my mother, who is an alcoholic, was in a drunken and paranoid stupor for the rest of my childhood.
In September of 1993, I started Kindergarten. The only thing I really remember is the holiday gingerbread man hunt and the time that a boy cut in front of me in line and I pushed him. Not real hard or anything but boy did he run and tell. I got in trouble, even though he cut. During this year, I was supposed to be picked up by my dad, but he never came. I found out he couldn’t get time off of work to come get me. Mom went crazy. She wouldn’t let me talk to him.
In September of 1994, I started First Grade. I was so excited because now I could buy school lunch all by myself. This excitement quickly wore off as no one wanted to spend time with me at lunch. I also remember getting in trouble for the way I blew my nose. I was young and still grasping it. How can a teacher punish someone for something so small. I had the Chicken Pox this year.
In September of 1995, I was in Second Grade. I don’t remember much, just the fact that I blew past others in my reading skills. My best friend Amber moved here.
In 1996, I started Third Grade. This was the year I realized I hated school. There were students who would pick on me for everything. I got kicked out of class for cursing, even though I didn’t actually curse and even though my accuser tormented me, they never did anything to her. Always just me. So I started to realize if they were going to accuse me of stuff, I was going to do it.
I started Fourth Grade in 1997. To my amazement life only got worse. I got braces, which would effectively keep me from having friends that year. I remember hating my teacher Mrs. Luker and wishing that things were different.
1998 would mark the beginning of Fifth Grade. Things would be a bit better at school and at home but would still not be good. I remember we had gone to Florida over the summer break going into Fifth Grade. I got my haircut for the first time. Everyone would make fun of it and call me names.
1999 was the year of Sixth Grade. I was so glad that when I was done with Sixth Grade, I would move to the middle school. I hoped with all my heart, that things would get better. I lost my best friend in the world to a new student and felt like I had nothing left. It is really sad when a 12 year old is so depressed they contemplate suicide.
2000 would mark the progression from elementary to Middle School. It was Seventh Grade. I discovered my singing voice and started to make friends. This was one of the best years I had had in so many, I was so glad. There were still bullies and of course, I reconnected with the friend I thought I had lost.
2001 was Eight Grade. This was also the year of the Terrorist Attacks on the World Trade Center. I remember this day more clearly than any other in my life. I walked in to my social studies class and the teacher had it on. It was a sight to behold. My Aunt was up from Florida and was supposed to leave the next day. All flights were grounded so I got a few extra days. This would be the last summer she would come to visit, she died not long after. I also got my first Boyfriend. That was the most exciting things ever. I was only 13 when we started dating but we dated almost a year. It was fabulous. Sometimes, I even still miss him. I don’t remember much else from this year.
2002 was my Freshman Year. Oh I was more excited than ever. Shane and I had broken up but I was seeing someone new. Someone I had known since Kindergarten. We dated for almost the whole year, then broke up. We remained good friends although his dad showed up one day and demanded that I give gifts Alex had given me back. His dad was a dick. This year though something fateful happened. I met my absolute best friend. She was in my Algebra and Latin Class. Freshman year was filled with not as much drama but a whole lot of fun.
2003 was my sophomore year. I attempted suicide after having put up with my mom’s abuse. She tried to pin it on outside things but could never admit she was screwed up. I lived with my Grandparents, who weren’t too much better. They basically ignored me. I started seeing a shrink and that helped a bunch. I moved back home after mom quit drinking. I also reconnected with my dad during this time. I hadn’t seen him since I was six. He came to pick me up for Easter and Ashley went with me. It was nice.
The summer of 2004 was the worst. I went to live with my dad and he basically cut me off from everyone. He made me do all the chores and would never let me out of the house, except when he and Cathy could supervise. I never understood this and couldn’t believe I had gone from no freedom at my mom’s to less freedom at my dad’s. Then one night, he tried to feel me up. That really pissed me off. I never told my mother why, but I called and begged her to pick me up. She said she would as soon as she could. Dad demanded I leave now and told her all these lies. So she came to get me and we went home. I didn’t realize though that I was such a burden because my mother’s abuse got worse.
In 2004 I started my Junior Year. I was so close to graduating I could taste it. I finally realized my sexuality and started seeing Ashley in February of 2005. This of course was after a pregnancy and a miscarriage. Her mom didn’t approve. She seemed to hate me all of the sudden and I couldn’t figure it out. I had done nothing but taken care of her kids while she was getting high, was too drunk to stand, or working. Why had I all the sudden become the bad guy? I failed English and Latin. I was all out of potential, or so I had thought.
In 2005 I finally started my Senior Year of High School. I took Zero Hour English for failing and of course got treated like shit at home. About half way through the year, when I turned 18, I stopped going to Ashley’s house. This opened up the window for other issue. I had guys over, I stopped seeing Ashley for awhile and about a week before graduation, I found myself being raped. That was not the highlight of the year. Ashley and I reconciled and I got off all the drugs and stuff. I got back to as normal as I’ll ever be. Uncle Ray died this year.
During the following summer, I helped Ashley move out. We didn’t tell her mom and of course, that didn’t help anyone’s relationship, well, except mine and Ashley’s. We eventually got our first place and have been together mostly ever since, but that is a story for a different time.
So once again, I am passed over for the position. Can you believe it? Two years in a row and she got it. Everyone around here is still shocked. I want to be her friend but at the same time, I should be in her shoes. She does not care, nor will she ever. I have all of this passion and drive to better myself and the only thing that motivates her is her love of money. Others need this much more than you do. I had my application in first, I showed more interest, I had more passion. So what did you do? You must not have told them that you were absent pretty much all last semester, or that you have actually told us that Ettamarie is to blame. Yeah you show them results, but those are our results and not yours. Do you know how much it kills me to be nice to you. Yes, I expected it last year. This year though, I came in knowing nothing and learned almost everything. I deserve that position, you don’t. I do have other options though. I am applying for other jobs and you can no longer tell me no.
My mother-in-law drive me bananas. She thinks that she is the victim in every fight we have. Every time she does something and I respond she plays the “OH Woe is Me” card. I’m so fed up with this. I can’t wait to move out of Ohio. I think about this more as the holidays come around. So we will see how this holiday works. We may just pop in for a brief visit and then say our farewells. The only person I like in her family is Holly and I barely like her anymore. How am I gonna handle this holiday?
I know that wishing often times gets you nowhere but right now that wish is all I have. I wish that school was going faster. I wish that I wasn’t sitting here right now wondering what I did wrong to make everyone hate me. I also wish I knew why I would rather be alone around the holidays.
I guess maybe I should start at the beginning, or as close as I can remember. My father left when I was four, well, at least I think that’s how it happened. I used to dream up the most intriguing ways to explain his absence in my life. When I finally met him, in my sixteenth year of life, I realized that all my fantasizing could not explain away the way he was or even how small he made me feel. You see, my father would do anything and everything he could to make me feel unwelcome at his house, anything from cutting me off from the only friend I made in this small, shitty town in Illinois to restricting when I could talk to the other half of my parental team or even my friends from back home.
Now while I was in this hell hole of a town, my mother was off getting busy with the boyfriend from another state. He lived in Minnesota and my mom went up there to be with him. No matter how I begged to go home, she was always choosing him over me. She would constantly tell me that Dan needed her there and that he loved her. Well, he certainly didn’t love me. My mom would basically hide me from him. She would drop me off at friends house for a week or so at a time to go spend the time in Minnesota or have him come here. She use to use her time off to do stuff with me. HE changed that.
She was also an alcoholic. Whether she wants to admit it or not she was a heavy drinker. Every night, all night. She left me at school once because she was too hammered to come pick me up and she refused to let me call grandma. She wonders why I attempted suicide my sophomore year. She tried to blame it on teenage hormones instead of looking in the mirror. She would lock me in my room, she would hit me, and treat me like crap and she wondered why I was always so angry. I’m still angry. I’m angry at everyone who has a set of parents who love them.
She would pay for him to go to the movies with her and leave me at home for hours at a time. I know why I have grown up to lie. It’s because I need the sympathy. I need someone to feel sorry for me, so I make things out to be a whole lot worse than they really are. I have been on drugs and been raped but no one seems to understand that I blame everyone else and in reality I should only blame myself. I let Drew in the house, I let Matt talk me into dumb shit. Maybe if, just for once, someone would see that I have tried.
My mom didn’t care, my dad didn’t care. I had others in my life just as disappointing. My grandparents did everything for Sarah and Stacy (my cousins). Me, not so much. They see it as a favor that they let me stay at their house while my mom worked nights. Wow…Like what was she going to do? Let her 7 year old stay home alone? What dumb asses. She had no other options. She worked. Aunt Debbie had Ray when she worked, my mom didn’t have the same luxury. My grandparents never wanted to do anything I sat in front of the TV and did nothing the whole time I was there. Then when it came time to show me that they respected me and wanted to give me the chance, they blew it. I wanted to rent my mom’s old house from them, they owned it. Yet, somehow Stacy got it? I don’t understand how I can be passed up for something like that. But then again, Sarah and Stacy are the favorite.
Not to mention, someone who is not even my own blood. My girlfriend Ashley, her mom has treated me like dirt since damn near the day we meet. I was 14 and she hated me. Of course, I was not her biggest fan either. But while she was pissed because I would help take care of her family, I was pissed because she would treat Ashley so bad. Ashley tells me to get over the anger and for I while I was working on it. Until she showed her true colors and tried blaming me. I honestly am on the verge of a serious break up over the lack of respect her mom shows me. She thinks that I have to show her respect but she needs to earn that. This is putting a serious strain on the whole unit. I wish Ashley would see how affected I am by the whole thing but I don’t know if she ever will. I think that I need to just let her go….
But then again, maybe it’s me. Maybe I really am the bad guy and need to just be a hermit my whole life. Would that be better? Maybe I let stupid things get to me. I wish I knew what was going on.
For a while I was writing quite a bit for NaNoWriMo but now I just feel like I have lost all of that spark. I guess it goes to show you that when school and work get in the way you lose sight of your dreams.
It must be nice to be 20 and raking in a whole lot more money than the older of you. It must be nice that the one with less experience and less time to give to the job at hand is the one employed. I hate that I tried so fucking hard to get to a good place and it is all for nothing. I make $200 a week and you bring in over $1000 in a month. It must be nice to have that money to just spend on bullshit while some of us struggle to make ends meet. Must be nice that mommy and daddy pay for your cell phones, cars, insurance and the like. I don’t have that luxury. I have bills and responsibilities. Something you will only know something about when you have been where I am. I am done fighting to get you more money. I am beyond frustrated with your inability to be a human being. You say you want your job back but only becaus of the money. Well I not only need the income but also I am passionate about my work. You sit on your ass all day and do nothing. You wonder why no one will listen to you….. Even I don’t want to reapply for my job.
It is insane how I thought I wanted to be at Wright State. I like most of my classes and enjoy the teachers, I just find it difficult to really enjoy the time I spend here. I have a great job, although it pays like nothing. I have three great classes with two great teachers. But I feel trapped. I have to go to class when they want me too and I should not have that kind of limitation. I feel like, as an adult who has so much going on, I should be able to be in class when I see fit. I like the idea of an online school. I applied and got accepted into SNHU but I am leaving behind some new found friends and it sucks…..
What is happening? I thought I only felt this way when I was alone, but i guess right now, that is sort of how I feel. I hate that I feel so alone but I was not given any choice. I guess maybe life would be easier if I didn’t exist. I wish I could fly. I wish that I could grow big beautiful white wings and fly to the moon.
I think I am just losing my mind. I had finally gotten everything under control and then it blows up in my face. I have actually given up on everything I loved, everything that made me happy. I am no longer the same. I wanna just drive, drive until my heart stops.